Sept 14, 2017

What am I doing up and drinking coffee at 3:30 AM? Good question. I ask it of myself. I had a very rough time sleeping last night and finnally gave up the ghost at around 3:15 AM. I guess I have too much on my mind. My wife made it clear in no uncertain terms yesterday that she does not need me any longer. She can do quite well without me. But she chooses to stay with me, for now. She also made it clear that SHE will take ME to HER house in North Carolina whenever she damn well pleases. She had promised me that if I went after disability we would spend a lot of time down there. Now she does not want me there except for a brief time in Oct. She will go down in Sept and Nov with her girlfriends and I am not welcome. She will likely go down there for Christmas too and I doubt I will be welcome then either. So much for her promises. They were all one big lie. I am so sorry I ever bought that place for her. Now she uses it to escape me and her family. I would suggest she move down there permanently and get a job driving a school bus. Then she could escape for good. But she'd have to take the Ford which Bobbi has been using. I doubt that on a school bus driver's salary she could afford the payments on the Chrysler. She apparently does not need me nor her family so why should she have to stay here and put up with us when all we do is irritate her? Now I understand why she has been so snappish towards me. She has had too much of me and she needs to get away. Fine. Stay away. You think I need you too? If that is how the game is being payed then I will be fine without you. In fact I cut you free now. I will not go on walks with you or rides with you or anything. I will stay here, where it is not even my home. Perhaps I will move back in with Tony. I can sleep on the couch and God only knows that he needs help with the bills. Yes. That is what I think I will do. You can go to NC for good or you can go back to your old job here... either way I don't care. But I will leave you alone. You will not have to put up with me anymore. I am done. As, I am sure, you are too. I am done trying to make a new life with you when it is so apparent it is not what you want. Take your house in NC and enjoy it. I hope you do. Take your daughters and their kids, I know they will flock to you. They always do. I will have Tony. No, in all truth I won't even have him because he can't get along without you either. I will go back to work. To hell with disability. So many of our plans revolved around my getting disability but they are ashes now. I will call Campbell and tell him I want to go back to work, whether or not I can actually do the job. I will find a way. I always have. No matter how hard it is I will go back to work. No matter how unsafe it is I will go back to work. That is all there is to say on that matter.

Vertigo is back with a vengeance today. So is the depression. The beast is silent for once. I think I have him cowed. No panic attacks. No psychotic episodes. No dissociative episodes. Quite a mother fucking headache though and I can take anything for it without risking waking my wife. Coffee isn't helping any. Neither is time. Time works against me. I will speak with my son about me moving home before I broach the topic with my wife. If he is on board with it then I am homeward bound. I won't have internet so these could be the lasr few times you hear from me except via phone. What does it matter anyway with Thoughts closing down?

Tears fill my eyes as usual. I can't keep doing this. It has to stop. It has to stop at any cost. Yesterday I got so suicidal that I had to take all of my pills and wrap them up in one of my shirts and bring them out into the living room where I could not swallow them all without anyone noticing. I wanted to give them to my daughter to hold but did not get a chance alone with her before she went to work. I did not want my wife to know. I don't want her to know anything. I am so sorry I printed out those blogs for her. It gives her too much ammunition to use against me in a divorce which is where I fear this is headed.

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Comments (4)

  1. monicaspeaks

    Keep your chin up Tony.

    September 14, 2017
    1. Tony51203

      LOL! Thank you. I will. It’s just been a trying time. Good to hear from you. Dunno what I’m gonna do once this place closes it’s doors. That’s supposed to be this week right? I assume tomorrow or Sunday.

      September 14, 2017
  2. cjb321

    My heart bleeds for you my friend. As Monica Says, Keep your chin up! hugs heart

    September 15, 2017
    1. Tony51203

      Thanks. s

      September 15, 2017